The Rules of Naruto
by Marine-Depths13
Summary: Ever wonder what you "should or shouldn't do" if you ever enter the Naruto world? Well, now you do. And there's a good 100 plus rules you should follow and abide to, or else... DATTEBAYO! XD Rules 401-500 now up!
1. Rules 1 through 100

And. Oh. My. God. I. LIVE. For those of you unaware, I am _The-LoneWolf-Tempest_ with a newly changed pen-name (more people know me as Marine-Depths13 than T-LW-T), so, if I know you: Hi! Long time no see/read! If I don't, then: Welcome to my chaos. Enjoy your stay!

Anywho!

These are the first 100 (or so) rules of Naruto. Yes, the _first_, meaning there'll be more. Lots more. I actually have hit my 300 mark, but I haven't typed them all up. Anyways, the chapters will come by the 100 mark (or close/around it) so the chapters may have large time gaps in between them. But it's not like it's a story and it'll be all suspenseful and pain-staking until you read the next part, so, yeah. Enjoy the rules, _mes amis_, and... Oh yeah!

**Any questions regarding the rules (such as ones you don't understand), ask me. I'll be glad to clarify them for you.**

With that said, I can now introduce you to my two assissants who "offered" to help me: Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke!

Sasuke: -walks in, scowling, with Naruto following- I'm thrilled to be here._ Really_... -dripping with sarcasm-

Naruto: -grins- Well I really _am_ thrilled to be here! Even if we _were_ drafted by getting drawn out of a magician's hat!

M-D13: Sure. Anyways... These two will be doing my disclaimers and warnings and all that fun stuff from time to time. So, get used to them, even if you hate them. Every now and then we might bring in new assisstants, because these two ... well, at least the emo ... will get annoyed if I keep 'em for too long. So, probably at the 300 or 400 mark we'll bring in new ones. Until then...

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Actually, I don't own a lot of things. And some of the rules I don't even own, considering some my friends helped me think up. You know who you are (thanks guys!). And any and all references made to other characters not included within in the Naruto series are copyrighted their appropriate owners.**

Again, with that said... Have fun, laugh, and go ahead and read while destroying your brain cells :3

* * *

• Do not call Naruto "Foxy", ever— whether you mean it as a term of affection, or whether you really are implying he's "hot". Whichever it is, just _don't_. 

• Do not call Gaara a "giant teddy bear." He will kill you.

• Do not call Sasuke a "chicken-assed haired freak." He will _also_ kill you.

• Sasuke, until further notice, is _straight_. Simply because he and Naruto kissed, constantly save each others lives, one of them can turn into a girl (perhaps the other can as well, but those details are not yet disclosed…) AND make multiple flesh-and-blood copies of himself, DOES NOT mean Sasuke and Naruto are together… yet.

• No, Gaara does NOT want an "eyebrow transplant" from Rock Lee.

• … In addition, Rock Lee will not give up his eyebrows, even if it's to help "Gaara-kun."

• Lee DID NOT steal Gaara or Zabuza's eyebrows. Said two villains were simply born without them. Or perhaps they shave them off. Who knows.

• No, Kankuro _chose_ to wear _that_ make-up.

• … and he did not steal it from Temari or Gaara.

• Contrary to popular belief, Orochimaru is NOT Michael Jackson, even though they have very many striking resemblances to each other and both like little boys.

• Sakura is _not_ to be confused with Professor Dolores Umbridge from "Harry Potter" even though they both seem to have a pink obsession.

• … nor is she to be confused with Mao Wong (Mariah in the dub) from Beyblade, though the pink hair and ribbon can be deceiving.

• Behind Kakashi's mask is… another mask. So get over it. Stop pestering him.

• … but if you must know, Ayame (the ramen-shop girl) happened to see it— ask her. She'll most likely say he is the "weapon of mass seduction."

• I will not ask Kakashi what is behind his other mask's mask. More than likely… it's another mask.

• Team 7 is also known as the "people off those skittles commercials—so _taste the rainbow_…" You'll note they are all _very_ colourful ninjas.

• … as well, Team 7 is also known as the "rainbow sprites" of Konoha.

• Yes, Kakashi DOES lead his "7 whole grains" team on missions (Ya know… Kashi foods? Team 7?).

• Do not attempt to give Kiba dog-food. He'll bite you.

• … and Akamaru will steal it.

• NEVER eat the last potato chip, lest you _want_ to be mauled over by Chouji.

• … nor should you eat the last potato chip in front of Chouji just to torture him. It's not nice.

• Yes, Zabuza DOES have an identity crisis issues (Eyebrows in the anime, none in the manga… what a tool.)

• … as does Sakura. (And Inner Sakura. CHA!!!)

• Ino should be mute.

• … or gagged and locked in a box.

• Sasuke's emo. Get over yourselves.

• Gaara is _also _emo. Get over yourselves more.

• Just because Team 7 is in all bright colours does NOT mean they are moving targets.

• … nor does it give you the right to hit them all upside the head and scream: "NINJAS ARE SUPPOSED TO BLEND IN YOU STUPID MISFITS!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?"

• Don't walk up to Sasuke and tell him he's just received a call from Chicken Little saying that "he wants his ass back." It's mean, rude… and we'll pay you to do it. Really.

• We don't know _why_ Kankuro's hood's "ears" move like actual cat ears. Furthermore, it is _not_ a good idea to ask said boy.

• Raise your hand if you _honestly _think you should _ever _ask Gaara, Lee, or Kankuro for make-up tips.

• Otogakure is not to be called "the emo farm" simply because it raises little emo minions.

• … and the Takigakure is not a water park.

• Any puns revolving around "dancing/singing in the rain" in the Amegakure is just stupid.

• … as are any puns about the Iwagakure "rocking your stockings" or "rocking" in generally.

• Iwagakure is not a rock garden.

• … and Sunagakure is not a sand garden.

• Do not take a giant electric fan to the Kirigakure and attempt to blow away the fog. You'll end up blowing away all the villagers instead.

• Haku is _male_.

• … and he is also Zabuza's bitch.

• Spraying Shino with insect repellant is not something that one would normally consider a good idea. After he's done screaming in pain, he'll kill you.

• Giving Jiraiya a large toad (or frog) for his birthday and saying you've found his long-lost brother is just stupid.

• …and doing the same to Tsunade (but with a slug instead) is just mean. And likely to get you killed.

• Yes, Sasuke _does_ have a wide range of facial expressions even though he's supposedly an "emotionless emo bitch."

• Unless you want to lose your sanity, stay away from Gai.

• Unless you want to lose your virginity, stay away from Jiraiya.

• Challenge Gai to a match of "rock, paper, scissors", and win, and you'll never hear the end of it.

• Walking around with a turtleneck over your face and a headband or cloth over your eye and telling people you're Kakashi is just stupid.

• … as is replacing Kakashi's book with a small dictionary. He's likely to throw it at your head as you're walking down the street.

• Hinata is plotting your imminent doom.

• Kakashi is late because he got lost on the path of life. Kakashi is NOT late because he got "lost" on the "path of life."

• Yes, the pairing Shino x Ino DOES shorten to ShIno.

• … but however humorous that may be, raise your hand if you _honestly_ think it's a good idea to pair them together in the first place.

• Sasuke's newly developed (or at least fully developed) sharingon is his new toy. But that doesn't mean he's careful with it.

• Sakura is not to be confused with Amy Rose the Hedgehog.

• Sasuke is to not be confused with Sonic.

• … and before anyone asks, Naruto is not Tails.

• I will not ask Shikamaru what he does on clear-skied or extremely cloudy days.

• I will not offer Shikamaru protective eyewear (EX: sunglasses).

• … and if I do, I will not steal them from any of the Aburame clan's members.

• I will not call the ninjas "fruit" based on their primary colours. So, Ino is not a plum, Sakura is not a cherry, and Sasuke is not a blueberry.

• … and Naruto is not an orange.

• The _last _thing Sasuke needs is _another_ fan-girls. Leave the emo child be.

• Never, never, _ever_ ask Jiraiya for writing tips. You'll be shocked when he wants to _show_ you his "writing tips" instead.

• Don't steal Itachi's (or any other Akatsuki members') nail polish.

• … and if you do, I hope you can run. _Fast_.

• Humming the "Jaws" theme while following Kisame around is only funny until he acts upon the song— you being that poor, unsuspecting swimmer.

• Though we are all aware Sasuke has a superiority complex, there is no need to tell said chicken.

• … nor is there a need to tell Neji that _he_ has a superiority complex.

• Shikamaru is not a pineapple simply because his head has the shape of said fruit.

• … nor is Shikamaru, in any way, Vegeta.

• Yes, Naruto _does _actually style his hair every morning.

• Sasuke likes to incinerate things. Fan-girls should _especially_ keep this in mind.

• Lee's sensei's name is Maito Gai. NOT "Mighty Gay."

• Insult TenTen and she's likely to stab you to death.

• Never ask Haku for acupuncture tips.

• Yes, Kakashi _is _aware it's not Halloween.

• … as is Tobi.

• Sakura is a schizophrenic bi-polar freak.

• … as is Hinata when all backs are turned… and Kakashi is a pancake chef.

• Orochimaru is a giant, mutant snake transvestite. Keep your distance.

• … however if you _choose_ to mess with him, you'll either A: be walking home with a new "tattoo" or B: die.

• No, Jiraiya DOES NOT have a long, sticky tongue (though god knows he'd consider it a good thing).

• … and Tsunade does not leave a sticky, slimy trail as she walks.

• None of the ninjas' names have "-mon" at the end, nor do they have any pokémon reference to them whatsoever. So don't throw a pokéball at them in an attempt to capture them due to their "special attacks." They're likely to kill you.

• I will not confuse Shino with Bo-bo-bo simply because they both have an Afro and sunglasses.

• … and Sakura is not to be confused with Beauty, nor Naruto with Poppa Rocks.

• Simply because they both want their "jars of dirt" does NOT mean Gaara and Jack Sparrow have any relation.

• No, Sarutobi is NOT "that man off the Monopoly box", so don't ask him for any pink 50's (you cheating whore!).

• Gaara is not "that dude Gerard-something-er-other in the Black Parade" just because they have the same amount of eyeliner on.

• Gai is a pedophile.

• Jiraiya is also a pedophile.

• … and neither of those two are afraid to show it.

• No, Shino does NOT have "spider senses."

• Though Naruto may _look_ like a moving target with the bulls-eye on his back, one should not use him for target practice.

• … and if you do, I hope to god you miss.

• Jiraiya is NOT to be confused with "the frog prince."

• … and Tsunade is not his princess.

• Abiding to these rules will most likely allow you to live in the Naruto Realm without death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. Choosing to ignore any of the above rules will most likely result in … well, death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. We strongly recommend you follow and abide to these rules and … well, just don't piss anyone off and you're good to go.

* * *

Hey, lookit that, you made it through all 100 (or so)! Good job, reader, I applaud you. -clap clap- Anywho, the last rule (the "abiding to these rules..."etc thing) is going to be in every chapter, so get comfortable with it. However, if it bothers you, just skip over it. You know it's gonna be there. Anyways:****

R&R please. Any flaming regarding the rules will either be ignored, used to heat my home and/or given to Sasuke for his fire-related needs.

Sasuke: Tch! 

M-D13: -mutters: _stick up the ass!_- ... -looks at reader and grins, saying louder- Anyways! Thanks you for reading!


	2. Rules 101 through 200

Annnnnnnd here's the next wonderful set of rules! XD -shot down-

Sasuke: -reloads gun- Tch.

M-D13: You are so mean to me, you know. What have I ever done to you? I don't even _like_ you!

Naruto: Ahh ... Don't worry ... He's like that with everyone ...

M-D13: He shoots you repeteadly?

Naruto: You'd be surprised.

M-D13: o.o ... All righty then. Anyways...

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Actually, I don't own a lot of things. And some of the rules I don't even own, considering some my friends helped me think up. You know who you are (thanks guys!). And any and all references made to other characters not included within in the Naruto series are copyrighted their appropriate owners.**

So, with that said, onto the next hundred or so rules! Good luck with all that.

* * *

• Kimimaro drinks his daily-recommended serving of milk. The fact that he can pull his spine out of his body and still be able to move (though he _claims_ it's a Kekai Genkai) is just proof. 

• … Rock Lee claims his gets his milk. He doesn't.

• As far as we know, Deidara's hands are _not_ used in any sexual manners.

• Calling Chouji fat is just plain mean. And stupid if he's in earshot.

• No, Naruto _is not_ a ninetales, Shino _is not_ a parasect, Sakura _is not_ a jigglypuff, Kakashi _is not_ a mightyena, and Chouji _is not_ a butterfree or a munch-/snorlax. That's a different anime.

• Hugging Naruto or Gaara will _not_ turn them into a fox or tanuki respectively. They are not in any way, shape, or form a "Sohma". That's _also_ a different anime.

• Itachi is not to be confused with Sesshomaru simply because they A: have similar brother-hating relations, B: have a fish-like creature for a partner, and C: are both stronger than the main villain of the storyline. That's ... again ... _also _a different anime… Another thing to keep in mind: Itachi has two arms.

• No, Neji does not use his Byakugan to see through women's (OR men's) clothing.

• … nor does Hinata use _hers_ to look through Naruto's clothes.

• Singing "The Emo Song" whenever you walk by Sasuke is likely to get you killed.

• Don't ever steal Naruto's ramen.

• … and if you do, you're either really stupid… or a really fast runner.

• Do not go up and ask Sasuke to put on Ash Ketchum's hat because the two look similar… and one has a pokéball on the back of his shirt (and, mind you, not Ash...)

• No, the gourd on Gaara's back is _not_ a pair of balls… specifically the Shukaku's.

• … and the sand is not its semen… nor is the cork the Shukaku's… -ahem!- …

• … and Gaara is not the fetus whenever he is encased in a orb of sand.

• Do not go up to Gaara and ask if he can make a male masturbate simply by pointing at that. He's likely to— no, he WILL kill you.

• Neji is _not_ otherwise known as "Neji-Ji-Ji."

• TenTen is not to be confused with MingMing from Beyblade. TenTen is argumentally cooler.

• Putting sand in Sasuke's hair will _not_ make it lay an egg even though it is considerably close to a duck's/chicken's ass.

• Making fun of Gaara for the pun of his gourd and tattoo (-COUGHsexaddictCOUGH- ) is just mean… and he'll kill you.

• If you're a girl and Jiraiya asks you to be involved in one of his "research projects", scream, run, and tell Tsunade on him.

• If you're a _guy_ and Jiraiya asks you to be involved in one of his "research projects", deny and you'll be safe. If you don't, the women of Konoha will most likely kill you.

• Orochimaru has no interest in the female sex. So, girls, you're safe. Boys? You're screwed.

• … sometimes that is literally.

• I will not go around with my hair tied back like Neji's and tell people their "destiny".

• … nor will I make money of it by saying I'm a fortune teller who will "speak your future".

• As well, Neji is _not_ a crystal ball.

• I will not call Sasori "Pinocchio." His nose does not extend when he tells a lie, as far as we know.

• … nor will I test this theory out.

• Deidara is a boy.

• Konan is a girl.

• I will not call the Akatsuki the "men (and 1 women) in black". Note they also wear red and a wee bit of white...And are evil.

• I will not ask Peine (the "leader" technically) why they have clouds on their cloaks when "akatsuki" literally means red moon. (Aka- red, Tsuki- moon)

• Nor will I call the Akatsuki the "emo outcasts".

• I will not ask where the Akatsuki got their cloaks made.

• Zetsu was _not_ born from an Oreo and a Venus Flytrap.

• I will not tease Zetsu about having split personalities… and body colours.

• … nor will I ask him whether he classifies himself as "white, black, or mulatto".

• No, Orochimaru is _not_ that same snake from the Garden of Eden, even if he is very, very old.

• … and if, by some coincidence, he was, it was probably to see Adam naked.

• Tobi is a good boy.

• I will not poke Kisame repeatedly with a stick just to see what he'll do.

• Never tease Kakuzu about bankruptcy, lest you _want_ him to go into cardiac arrest.

• I will not shoot Hidan repeatedly with a machine gun (or other sort of weapon) just to see him come back to life.

• _Never_ answer _any_ question that _anyone_ asks you with the words, "Because I'm a ninja!" While we realize Naruto does this a lot, but don't follow his example.

• … nor should you answer with, "Because it's my nindo! My ninja way!" We realize Naruto does_ this_ quite frequently, as well.

• I will not ask Itachi why he didn't kill his "worthless, pathetic excuse for a younger brother", lest he goes off on a rant.

• Nor will I tease Itachi that "Awwwww, you really _do_ love him!"

• I will not get involved in (or spark) a fight between Deidara and Sasori over art styles and how long art should last.

• … Nor will I side with either of them.

• I will not sing "Pop! Goes the Weasel" to mock Sasuke and Itachi.

• No, Kisame is _naturally_ blue. He did _not_ fall into a bucket of blue dye.

• If you make fun of Kisame's skin colour, he's likely to start crying. Contrary to popular belief, he actually has a _problem_ with the colour of his skin. We strongly recommend you don't make fun of him.

• I will not ask Peine if a requirement of joining the Akatsuki is "abnormal skin colour." Take note only half of them have bizarre skin.

• … nor will I ask Peine who does his multiple piercings.

• I will not take Konan's paper flower.

• … nor will I bribe the other Akatsuki members into going through her lingerie drawer to piss her off. She's likely to kill you, and everyone else.

• Sasori is actually 50 or so years old, no matter how young he may look. He's old enough to be Deidara's father, so… until further notice, Sasori and Deidara _are not_ together … yet. YET.

• Sasuke is an obsessive bastard.

• Giving Rock Lee _sake_ is just about the worst thing you could think of doing to him.

• … plus any nearby facilities will be destroyed.

• I will not protest that the substitution jutsu "kills the forest" and "causes the destruction of rainforests".

• Fangirls take this a mental note: Sasuke _hates_ girls who are obsessed with him.

• No, Naruto is _not_ colourblind. Honest to God. He _chose _to wear _that_ jumpsuit.

• … as well, Naruto did _not_ recently escape prison, as close to the prison uniform his jumpsuit may be.

• I will not ask Naruto if he was considering being a member of the "Blitzkrieg Boyz" simply because his jumpsuit is similar to Yuriy Ivanov's (Tala Valkov in the dub of Beyblade). That's a different anime.

• No, Deidara is _not _a cyborg in any way. His eye is something like a camera that was made to counteract the sharingon, and that is all.

• The "64-palm" tri-gram attack is _not_ a groping technique.

• Calling Sasuke "Ducky" is not what one would normally consider a good idea. We strongly recommend you don't call him "Ducky".

• … nor should you call him "Rubber Ducky" if he happens to be wearing his black… rubber jumpsuit … thing at the time.

• Mixing up TenTen and TonTon is only funny the first time.

• Telling Hidan that "killing is wrong" is like telling a Catholic that "praying is illegal". It's his religion. Leave the Jashinist be.

• Do not call Temari a "tulip" even though her hair looks like four of them.

• … nor should you call her a "tulip garden". As well, do not attempt to water her.

• Sakura, while her name may mean so, is _not_ a cherry blossom tree. Do not attempt to water her, either.

• I'm sure you're all aware that Neji is not a monkey.

• … and that Kakashi is not a dog.

• Kakashi is not a pirate, even though he has an "eye-patch".

• Rock Lee is not on crack, as hard as it is to believe.

• A kunai is not a toy.

• … nor was it ever made to be eaten.

• Never take a shower in Konoha without looking constantly over your shoulder, at least in a public bath (girls should be more paranoid, though boys could be if Orochimaru ever came about).

• Ask Kimimaro for a hand and you'll literally get one.

• Drinking milk (and a shit-load of it) will not give you the ability to pull out your own spine or other various bones.

• … but if you do, I hope to god you're near a hospital.

• I will not use Deidara for my photography class or any other camera-related purpose or use (i.e.: vacation)

• Do not place Gaara on a beach "just to see what happens".

• Konan will not do free origami.

• Do not make fun of Peine's multiple piercings. He'll kill you.

• Whether "Tobi" is secretly Obito back from the dead, or Madara, he is _still an Uchiha_ and we can leave it at that.

• I will not create a "tourist attractions" brochure for Konoha featuring i.e. the "Grand Canyon" or the "Twin Peaks", etc. Tsunade and Anko (and many other women) will kill you.

• … however if you _do_ make the brochure and they find out, blame it on Jiraiya.

• Chouji does _not _wear a training bra. Be nice.

• Do not question on just how Shikamaru passed as a shinobi even though he's incredibly lazy. Some things are better left unsaid.

• I will not mess with Shino's coat-zipper.

• Gaara's gourd is not a giant peanut. Do not attempt to eat it.

• Singing "Jitterbug" to Shino will most likely result in your death.

• … and so will singing "Enter Sandman" to Gaara.

• Abiding to these rules will most likely allow you to live in the Naruto Realm without death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. Choosing to ignore any of the above rules will most likely result in … well, death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. We strongly recommend you follow and abide to these rules and … well, just don't piss anyone off and you're good to go.

* * *

And you survived again. Congrats. Not much to say, really. Hope you're laughing. Or maybe you're not, I dunno. 

Naruto: ... I was laughing even though they were kinda cruel to us.

M-D13: ... ... ... I _think _that was a compliment o.o Uh... anyways...

**R&R. Any and all flames will either be ignored or given to Sasuke for his various fire-related needs.**

Sasuke: Hn...

MD13: Yeah. You said it, tough guy -rolls eyes- ... Anyways. Yeah. See ya, thanks for reading!


	3. Rules 201 through 300

And here it is— 100 or so more rules. – is totally exhausted- Well, anyways … I'm too tired to talk much. Suicides ... as in the exercise type... really kill. No pun intended... so... OY! SOMEONE DO THE DISCLAIMER!

Naruto: Oh! I'll do it! Dattebayo!

M-D13: Do then… -dies on desk-

Naruto: All right! **Disclaimer! Any and all character references and/or suggestions belong to the appropriate creator. Marine is in no way responsible for any damages or copyright infringement made during these rules! Dattebayo! **-grin-

Sasuke: What the _hell _was that, dobe?

Naruto: The disclaimer! Duh!

Sasuke: It sucked. A simple "she owns nothing" could've worked.

Naruto: -anime vein- FINE THEN NEXT TIME _YOU _DO IT, HOT-SHOT!!!

Sasuke: I _will_. –scoff-

M-D13: ... Hm. Oh, hey, Sasuke, here's a job for you now.

Sasuke: Tch...

M-D13: Do the warning.

Sasuke: … Oh. That. –sigh- Fine. **SOME RULES FEATURED IN THIS FICTION MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS OR OTHER LEAD ONS. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY RUINED IMAGINATIONS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK**. There. Happy?

Naruto: Oi, that was awful, dattebayo...

Sasuke: -twitch- Why you little -- You're so annoying! ... _Dattebayo_. -smirk-

Naruto: Grrrrr!! -anime vein-

M-D13: -just sighs- … Lord. This is what help I get? I asked for decency. Not _idiocy…_ Anyways… read on, fellow Naruto-fan (more than likely… otherwise, why the hell are you here?), and embrace the next shit-load you need to memorize…

**Any questions regarding the rules (such as ones you don't understand), ask me. I'll be glad to clarify them for you.**

* * *

• Make fun of the Rice Country's name and Otogakure villagers (and various others) might kill you.

• Kabuto's hair is naturally white. So, do _not_ call him "Mister Graying-All-Ready" unless you _want_ to be killed.

• The sound ninja team consisting of Kin, Dosu, and Zaku, are _not _a low-rate band. Zaku does not honk his hands, Kin does not jingle and/or ring her bells, and Dosu does not use his arm as a flute.

• None of the Uchiha (or Kakashi) have "red-eye syndrome". It's natural. Trust us.

• There is no possible way to "drink" the Tea Country.

• Hayate has a bad cough, however he has always had it. Offering him a _Ricola_ will probably not help.

• The stick in Genma's mouth is not a lollipop, sucker, and/or any other sort of candy.

• Do not tell any of the ninja "not to run with kunai" because they'll "gouge their eyes out if they fall". They're not 5, and kunai are not scissors. And you are not their mother or father.

• Argue with Ino or Sakura and you're likely to go around in circles.

• Shikamaru is not Rudolph.

• … nor is he related to Iruka.

• I will not throw a bucket of water on Iruka and claim that you "thought he was a beached dolphin".

• Never ask Gai to help you train— you'll end up doing 500 laps around Konoha… on your hands.

• Contrary to popular belief (and in the denial of the leg-warmers) Gai is not trapped in the Hippie Decades of the 70/80's. Take a note he doesn't say "groovy". At all.

• … and neither is Rock Lee.

• I will not use the (non-existent) jutsu "1,000 Years of Love" on anyone.

• I will not use the (non-existent) jutsu "1,000 Years of Hugs" on anyone.

• If you (somehow) end up working for Kakuzu, do _not_ ask him for a tip afterwards.

• … nor should you ask him for a raise. Actually, you're probably working for free.

• A windmill shuriken is not to be used as an actual windmill.

• Kakuzu is not an octopus.

• … nor is he Doc. Oct.

• Do not whisper "snake-rape!" in Sasuke's ear. You'll make him cry.

• Yes, while it _is_ humorous to cut off Hidan's head and replace it with a pumpkin (or just cut off his head in generally), it is not a good idea.

• … and if you do, his head might bite you.

• Tobi's mask is _not_ a lollipop. It does not _taste_ like a lollipop even though it _looks _like a lollipop. Do not lick him.

• I will not steal Tobi's mask to make "pumpkin pie".

• Tobi is _still_ a good boy.

• Jiraiya is not secretly related to the Hypno Toad. That's a different show.

• Screaming and running away from everyone and everything is _not _an appropriate ninja way.

• TenTen is homicidal.

• Piss Tsunade off and you'll likely be killed or, if you're lucky, left within an inch of your life.

• Do not throw water on Gaara to see if his sand will turn into mud.

• … nor should you (if and when it does work) laugh and go around telling everyone.

• Do _not _go up to Gaara in a swimsuit and ask him if he'll provide a beach for you.

• I will not sing "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting" to Lee.

• I will not ask Neji if he's secretly a girl.

• … nor will I ask him if he's secretly in love with Hinata.

• I will not ask Sakura if she's secretly a transvestite.

• I will not ask _Ino_ if she's secretly a transvestite.

• Shino is not blind.

• … and Kiba is not his seeing-eye dog.

• Hinata did not dye her hair from brown.

• … nor did any other Hyuuga clan member dye their hair from dark violet.

• I will not name a bird "Neji", put it in a cage, and then set it free outside.

• I will not ask Kiba if his two-headed wolf jutsu is painful for his skeletal structure.

• I will not ask Sakon if Ukon ever leaves him alone.

• … nor will I ask if they have "separation anxiety".

• I will not ask Temari if she will fan me.

• I will not break Tayuya's flute.

• … nor will I ask her if her summons respond to a harmonica.

• Sasuke is not a monkey and Itachi is not a weasel.

• … nor do they chase each other around a mulberry bush.

• Itachi is not, in no shape or form, related to Shadow the Hedgehog.

• … and Orochimaru is not Eggman.

• I will not bring up "conjoined twin separation surgery procedure" with Sakon and Ukon.

• … nor will I take them to a medical expert and tell them you've found the cure to separating conjoined twins painlessly.

• I will not sing "We're Family" from _James and the Giant Peach_ to any of the Akatsuki members.

• Challenging TenTen to a contest of "who can get the first bull's-eyes" is utterly pointless. She'll win.

• Do not attempt to upgrade Temari to an electric fan. Even if she likes it better, she'll have nowhere to plug it in.

• I will not ask Kankuro how he does not get heatstroke from living in the desert with a full black body suit.

• I will not ask Shikamaru to do my math homework.

• … nor any other homework I may have.

• Going into the Forest of Death by yourself will most likely result in death.

• I will not make TonTon into bacon.

• … nor will I put TonTon's head on a stick and call him (her?) the "Lord of the Flies".

• Akamaru can and will bite you if ever anger him.

• I will not throw a tennis ball and tell Kiba to "fetch".

• … nor will I attempt to "puppy-train" him.

• Rock Lee is not a turtle, so do not go up and ask him where his shell went.

• … or attempt to make him into turtle soup.

• As hard as it is to believe, Rock Lee _is not_ related to Maito Gai.

• I will not ask Neji and TenTen if they feel like sometimes their squad is a "two-man team". You might make them cry.

• I will not refer to Neji and TenTen as "kid #1" and "kid #2" of their team.

• I will not ask Gaara if he dyes his hair.

• Kisame is not a smurf.

• Choking Kisame to see what colour he turns is not what one would normally consider a good idea.

• To Harry Potter fans: Orochimaru is not, in any way, shape, or form, related to or secretly Voldemort.

• Though (most to all) ninjas can successfully walk on water does _not _mean any of them are Christ.

• … and none of the Akatsuki is the Anti-Christ.

• Kisame _does not_ live in a "pineapple under the sea" or have any relation to any Spongebob characters.

• Kisame is not related to that shark from any of the JAWS movies.

• Kakuzu is, in no way, related to Squidward.

• I will not ask Konan if she could mail herself.

• Kurenai's dress is not made of toilet paper.

• While she has black hair and red eyes, Kurenai is _not_ an Uchiha.

• Kakashi _is not_ Sasuke's father.

• … and Kurenai is not his mother. I thought we established this.

• Kakashi is a master of the "Stalking no Jutsu".

• … however he will not teach it to you.

• Kankuro does not do free puppet shows. Kankuro _also_ does not do free "puppet" shows.

• I will not ask Konan if origami is her only talent.

• … nor will I ask her if she ever plans on debuting in Paper Mario.

• I will not play double dutch or jump rope with Naruto's Kyuubi's tails.

• I will not wrap Gaara up with a bow and/or ribbon and send him as a Valentine's Day card (y'know … because he has "love" on his forehead?)

• I will not give Deidara play-doh or silly-putty and say it's better than clay.

• "Durable" is not a word that exists in Deidara's dictionary.

• I will not make fun of Peine and call him an "intensified case of excessive bi-polar multiple personality disorder". He and the other 5 Peine (Peines? Peini?) will kill you.

• Sakura did not dye her hair.

• I will not draw on Konan.

• Abiding to these rules will most likely allow you to live in the Naruto Realm without death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. Choosing to ignore any of the above rules will most likely result in … well, death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. We strongly recommend you follow and abide to these rules and … well, just don't piss anyone off and you're good to go.

* * *

And there you have it. Rules approximately 201-300! Whew. God, this is really long. But I'm proud! . I'm very proud! I'm almost at my goal of 500! GO ME!

**R&R please. Any and all flames will either be ignored, returned appropriately, or given to Sasuke for his various fire-related needs.  
****  
**Sasuke: Must you constantly say that?

M-D13: Yes. Yes I must. Anyways, thanks for reading -wave, wave-


	4. Rules 301 through 400

M-D13: I'm so proud of myself! I've actually managed to do 400 rules! Yes! Just one-hundred more and I've hit my goal! I've had some "requests" of "don't stop at 500!!" and trust me, if I can, I WILL continue this. HAHA. And every now and then you'll actually have reading material such as a short chapter of "comments" or "concerns" or stuff like that. You just never know. Actually, not even I know.

Oh yes! And while I'm thinking of it! I'd like everyone to meet my new volunteers for the next few chapters! They should be here any moment—

Random Stage Person: … -runs over and whispers in M-D13's ear- …

M-D13: What!? They ditched me!? God-dammit! Those bastards! –fume, fume, fume-

RSP: -bows nervously and runs off-

M-D13: I will kill those bastards! T.T Argh, until then… I guess I'm stuck doing it myself—

-DOOR FLIES OFF HINGES AND SMASHES INTO WALL-

M-D13: -oddly calm- What the hell?

Rock Lee: -dramatic entrance- Do not worry, I will assist you until they arrive!!

M-D13: … Oh lord.

Rock Lee: THE DISCLAIMER SHALL BE SHOWN!!!

M-D13: I repeat- Oh lord…

Rock Lee: **DISCLAIMER: Marine-Depths13 does not own any of the characters that are mentioned within this fan-fiction! All characters belong to their respective owners (such as I, Rock Lee, belong to Masashi Kishimoto!) and are not property of Marine-Depths13— she owns nothing but the rules, which even a few of those are not hers. Some rules were contributed by reviewers (you know who you are! We thank you greatly!!) or friends.**

M-D13: That… was long …

Rock Lee: But it got the point across, did it not?

M-D13: I suppose … anyways … Hey, Lee, while you're here. Do the warning too, if you could.

Rock Lee: Not a problem! I'd be happy to oblige! **WARNING!! SOME RULES MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES OF NARUTO! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!**

M-D13: And … there we go. Thanks. –mutters: They better get here _soon_ those bastards…- Anyways. Go on, read. I wanna thank all you (all 10 or so…) for reviewing! It means a lot. Now, read on and laugh. Or don't … whatever.

* * *

• I will not ask Deidara if he has to brush four mouths in the morning instead of one.

• I will not ask Zetsu why his right foot is white if the right side of his body is black.

• … nor will I ask what colour other, erm, covered body parts are.

• Zetsu is still semi-human. He does not reproduce asexually.

• When Naruto is in his Kyuubi form, I will not clip his nails (or rather attempt to).

• … nor will I (attempt to) tame him and (attempt to) take him home as a pet.

• Do not attempt to cut your hair with a kunai. It's dangerous.

• … plus you'll cut it unevenly.

• Do not attempt to get your eyes to do "that spinney thing the Sharingon can do". You'll hurt yourself.

• I will not tell Asuma that "smoking kills".

• I will not call Ino a "dumb blonde bitch".

• … to her face, anyway.

• I will not ask Ino if she was born a bleach-blonde or if she dyed it to "hide her ugly".

• I will not call Konohamaru's teammate (who's name we _believe_ is Udon…) "Snot Boy".

• … nor will I offer him a tissue. It won't help.

• To limit all further suspicions: _No one_ in Naruto has dyed their hair.

• I will not take Naruto's hair gel.

• … nor will I take anyone else's' hair gel lest I get killed.

• I will not tell Konohamaru that a ninja cannot play "ninja".

• … nor will I attempt to kill them if they ask me to join.

• I will not grab Konohamaru's, Udon's, or Moegi's goggles while they are still on their heads and then let go.

• Every time I mess up, I will not say that I "pulled a Naruto".

• I will not ask Sasuke is his hairstyle is actually just bed head.

• … nor will I ask him if he's aware that someone's "messed with his hair".

• I will not ask Shikamaru if the reason he watches clouds all the time is because he's actually watching cloud porn.

• … nor will I ask him if he's ever met Flurrie (from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door).

• I will not give a Valentine to all of the shinobi and then skip around Konoha proclaiming I'm "the ninja of love".

• I will not give all the shinobi presents at Christmas time, call myself Santa, and dress Shikamaru up as Rudolph, or a reindeer in general.

• … and, add to that, none of the shinobi are probably Christian/Catholic/etcetera anyway.

• I will not call Shikamaru "dear" just to piss him off.

• Hidan is not Count Dracula. He will not suck your blood. However he probably would want to spill it and sacrifice you to Jashin.

• The bundle on Kankuro's back is his puppet, Karasu ("Crow"). It is _not _a giant cigarette or cigar.

• I will not tell Asuma that if he _really_ "wants a good smoke" he should steal the bundle on Kankuro's back (A.K.A "Karasu/Crow").

• I will not address any of the Hokage's by saying the phrase or any phrase similar to: "Hey, It's the Ho-Ho-Hokage!"

• I will not ask Chouji if he will be Santa Claus (like at the malls?) and let the little children of Konoha sit on his lap and tell him what they want, etc, etc.

• … however if you do, make sure you do _not _give the reason "because you and Santa are about the same size".

• Ino's "mind transfer jutsu" is _not_ her attempt to be a camera.

• Rock Lee is not a member of The Beatles.

• … nor is Gai.

• … and Rock Lee/Gai are not British, either.

• Samehada (Kisame's sword) is not a giant tampon.

• Karasu/Crow is _also not_ a giant tampon. Do not give either to any of the girls.

• I will not ask Sakura, Ino, or Temari if they are on a "24-7-52 PMS".

• I will not make fun of Sasuke's new team, which was collectively named "Team Snake".

• I will not run away screaming every time Rock Lee does one of his weird facial expressions.

• … or one of his "good guy" poses.

• I will not try to teach Gaara (or any other "villain" or villain) the "good guy" pose, lest you want to make every child in Japan cry.

• I will not ask Naruto if he plans on wearing the jumpsuit Gai gave him "anytime soon".

• I will not ask to borrow Rock Lee's weights.

• … but if you do (more than likely he will give them to you), drop them and you'll end up destroying half of the ground. We recommend not dropping them.

• … or putting them on.

• I will not ask Hidan how much hair gel he uses.

• I will not ask _anyone_ how much hair gel he/she uses.

• Do not attempt to steal Hidan's "bible" of Jashin. He's likely to give you the "hands-_off_" experience and make you into a sacrifice.

• Kisame is _not _to be made into sushi.

• Introducing Chouji to Kisame and you'll likely end up breaking the above rule.

• Do not attempt to censor Hidan to make him "G-rated". You'll run out of breath or batteries and end up breaking whatever device you were using to do so. Vocal cords may also break.

• Itachi knows he needs glasses. Do not _tell him_ that he needs glasses.

• … nor should you give him a pair.

• However, if you _do give_ Itachi a pair of glasses, make sure the prescription is right.

• I will not ask Hinata if she is secretly "Ai Enma" from "Hell Girl".

• Konan is _not_ to be made into a notebook and/or sketchbook.

• Adding "insult _and_ assault to injury" is not an appropriate ninja way.

• I will not look under Sasori's cloak for a scorpion tail.

• Kidomaru (the spider Sound Ninja who was partnered with the twins, Tayuya, and Jirobo) is not, in anyway, related to Iruka or Shikamaru.

• I will not "roar" at any of the ninja.

• I will not take the ribbon out of Itachi's hair and start playing with either the ribbon or his hair.

• I will not ask Zetsu if he's ever had an affair with a tulip or any other sort of flower or plant.

• I will not play "Hide and Find Hidan" with the other Akatsuki members by dissembling Hidan's body and hiding him all over the base.

• I will not make a large, neon pink (or any other colour) "AKATSUKI EVIL LAIR IS LOCATED HERE" sign for the outside of the Akatsuki lair.

• … nor will I make one for Orochimaru.

• I'm sure we're all aware that the pairing "IrukaKakashi" can shorten to "IruKa". However, if you decide to tell Iruka or Kakashi this, you'll end up finding out the pairing is "KaIru" anyway.

• I will not ask Kurenai if it's going to be hard to be the mother of a child who's father was a tobacco addict and who is currently dead.

• I will not test the theory to see if Konan is afraid of scissors or other sharp objects.

• … nor will I attempt to cut/slice/etcetera her.

• I will not tease Peine that Konan controls him… because she does.

• I will not ask Orochimaru if the reason he left the Akatsuki was because he sucked.

• I will not ask Kiba if he howls at the moon.

• Though Pakkun can fit in the palm of a hand, we don't recommend calling him "hand-held".

• Do not attempt to steal Anko's candy or any of her other sweet treats. She'll most likely kill you.

• I will not ask Zetsu is he believes that "two skin colours are better than one".

• Do not attempt to trim Zetsu. He will not be happy.

• Sasori is not firewood. Do not attempt to throw him into the fireplace.

• … and he is not kindling, either.

• I will not ask what colour the sky is in Itachi's world.

• I will not sit on Shikamaru and call him my lazy-boy chair.

• I will not ask Orochimaru if he extends his neck because he thinks he his actually a clinically insane mutant giraffe.

• Do not tug on Peine's earrings, lip rings, nose … bolts or any other various piercing.

• Do not ask if Naruto, when in his Orioke no Jutsu form, can get pregnant.

• … nor will I hire a male to test this theory.

• Putting TonTon on the ceiling and having him walk around it while singing "Ninja pig! Ninja pig! Does whatever a ninja pig does!" is not what one would normally consider a good idea.

• Orochimaru can and will utilize his tongue if at all possible. We recommend staying as far away from him as possible, whether you're female or male.

• Mistaking a one of the ninjas for the opposing gender, while funny the first time, can be potentially fatal if done to the wrong person.

• I'm sure that all you French speaking folk are aware that "pain" means bread. However, making fun of Peine for it is not recommended.

• … nor is asking him if Konan is his butter, jam, or other assorted condiment that goes on bread.

• We wouldn't recommend asking Peine (or Konan, for that matter) if Konan is "buttering his bread" instead of the other way around.

• Do not climb into Sasuke or Shino's coat just to see if you'll fit. You'll make them uncomfortable and they will most likely kill you, even if you can fit in there comfortably.

• Telling Kisame that he technically carries around the corpse of another shark on his back (A.K.A Samehada) is not recommended.

• Hidan is not, in any way, shape, or form, related to the "Skelanimals" that are found at _Hot Topic_ or other gothic-like stores. Really.

• Contrary to popular belief, none of the characters are on crack (though we'd all like to believe it, wouldn't we?).

• While we realize they look very similar and have similar tendencies, Cruella DeVil from the 101 Dalmatians is _not_ related to Zetsu in any way.

• Do not ask if Sasuke, Shino, or any other ninja that has an incredibly large collared shirt if they ever "get hot under the collar". They will kill you.

• Not all of the Naruto characters have sad, depressing, horrible and awful pasts. Contrary to popular belief, _some_ of them are happy.

• … however, do not ask any of the ninja if "having a sad, depression, tortured past" is a requirement to becoming a ninja. You'll get beat up.

• Do not ask Kisame if he goes around singing "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming… what do we do when we're feeling blue we swim, swim, swim…" He'll kill you. And deny it all.

• … nor should you go around _following him_ singing the "swimming" song. He'll kill you … or maybe he'll sing along and then have to kill you for witnessing it.

• Abiding to these rules will most likely allow you to live in the Naruto Realm without death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. Choosing to ignore any of the above rules will most likely result in … well, death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. We strongly recommend you follow and abide to these rules and … well, just don't piss anyone off and you're good to go.

* * *

M-D13: And there you have it. –looks at watch impatiently- And. They. Still. Aren't. Here.

Rock Lee: Who was it that you had hired again, Marine-san?

M-D13: -siiiggghhh- I _had_ hired Shikamaru and Neji… But _apparently_ they bailed on me! –fume; is _obviously_ over this-

Rock Lee: … Shikamaru bails on everyone.

M-D13: I guess… Well, then where's Neji?

Rock Lee: He told me that it was not his destiny to come here.

M-D13: Goddammit!

Rock Lee: Perhaps we should hold auditions?

M-D13: Eh, screw that. I'll go off and hire someone new for the next chapter. Anyways.

**R&R please! Any and all flames will be used to set Neji and Shikamaru on fire for ditching us. If you value their lives, don't flame me :3**

Thanks for reading!


	5. SPECIAL REPORT!

M-D13: Welcome, one and all, to **THE RULES OF NARUTO**! This chapter, however, is not more rules but—

Reader: T.T –groan-

M-D13: … … … but … rather a special "interview" and "uncut" chapter! A.K.A… An actual storyline!

Reader: -gasp!!- o.o

M-D13: … … Yeah. So, anyways, in this chapter, we're going around and interviewing everyone, thus the title "Special Report Live From the Forest of Fan-Fiction!" For any of you that get the reference, good for you. You get a cookie (well, not really, but it's the thought that counts). If not, I'm poking fun at episode (what was it …?) 25 (or so I think), which is "Special Report! Live From the Forest of Death!" So, yeah. Sit back and enjoy the wonders of my god-awful "actual storyline" writing skills.

And for my sanity's sake (that and I'd get very bored with writing "Marine-Depths13" forever and a day… plus it just sounds awkward), I shall simply be "Marine" throughout this. Have fun, everyone.

Damn. Gotta do my own disclaimer.

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own a lot of things… Like the characters in this FANfiction. I barely even own the chapter title D:**

LET US BEGIN!! CUE TITLE!!

* * *

"**Special Report: Live From the Forest of Fan-Fiction!"**

* * *

Naruto looked up at the sky, confusion written on his face, "Sakura … I heard the sky talk…"

"You just took Kakashi-sensei's glaucoma medicine again, probably," Sakura muttered to him, distractedly, but intently, reading a book ("How to Get An Emo For Dummies" to be exact).

This caused Naruto's thought of: '_What's glaucoma medicine?'_ But that was quickly dismissed with a small shrug and a random (out loud): "Oh well!"

Sasuke, the sanity of the team (… well, at times), was sitting with his one knee drawn up to his chest, his back resting against a tree. He was being emo, basically (I'm going to get killed by the fan girl mafia for that… … even if it _is_ true). The squad dubbed with the number 7 was hanging around in the training field, as per usual, and waiting, as always, for their sensei… who just happened to be 8 hours late that particular day. A new record… by 5 god-be-damned hours.

Anyways, Sasuke looked up from staring at a very interesting spot in the ground to stare at his teammate, and saw the boy randomly shrug and say, "oh well!" to himself. Again. "… _Dobe_."

Naruto's bushy head snapped over to Sasuke angrily, "What was that!?" Sasuke just muttered a "tch" and looked away like the hotshot emo he is. "… No! Seriously! What did you say!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU FROM MY LOSS OF HEARING DUE TO SAKURA CONSTANTLY SCREAMING AT ME, DATTEBAYO!!"

Sakura whapped him upside the head with her overly large book, causing him to whine like a child as he gripped the spot where she hit him, "_The world_ can hear _you_!! SHUT UP, NARUTO! CHA!!" '_He sure does say "dattebayo" a lot … He's so annoying! I don't even know what that even means! Probably some secret code or something …'_

"But Sakura-chan!" Naruto whimpered. '_She sure does say "cha" a lot… I like her and all, but it gets annoying… I wonder what it means… Probably some secret code or something …'_

Sasuke just groaned and slammed his head against his knee, sighing. _God_ did he have stupid-ass teammates… And a stupid (not to mention late)-ass sensei … And a stupid-ass life … and a stupid-ass older brother… The Uchiha boy's "emo moment" was disrupted as a cry of "YOU'RE LATE!!" and "YOU'RE _REALLY _LATE!!" echoed through the training area, chorused by both Sakura and Naruto, as always.

"Sorry, guys!" Came the familiar, easy-going voice, causing Sasuke to lift his head with annoyance. "I'm afraid I got lost on the path of life (A/N: But we all know what that _really_ means XD) …" He smiled (presumably) under the mask, but then muttered something quietly, "and _man_ did I score well with that one woman!"

"What was that last part, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked curiously, not having heard him.

Again, the sensei grinned (presumably) under the mask, "Ohhh, nothing Naruto."

"Tch," Sasuke grumbled from his place against the tree as he stood up. "Why don't you tell us why you're _really_ late?" _'As if sensei could _really _get a girl … _'

Sakura nodded in agreement as she always does when Sasuke says something as "Prince Charming" (A/N: …) himself strode over, "Yeah, Sasuke's right… Kakashi-sensei, why _were_ you 8 hours late?"

"Did the path of life's road signs change?" Naruto asked obliviously, blinking. "I remember you said that they did that before."

That comment caused the other two genin and jounin to slowly turn to stare blankly at the fox. There was a long pause before Sasuke was heard sighing and the two genin hung their heads.

Cue "dooooommmmm" sound effect and swiggly lines.

Kakashi thought for a moment before nodding, hand cupping his chin idly. "I guess I _could_ tell you. I'm actually late because I—"

A black-haired girl with her left eye covered by a large bang strode out from the bushes, "Kakashi-san! I still have one more question for you! I just thought of it after you had—" She noticed the jounin was surrounded by kids her age, if not a little younger. "Oh. Are these the three you had talked of?" (A/N: there's a picture of "Marine" on my DA account… technically she's known as "Tempest", so take a look in my profile for the DA link if you're curious of her actual appearance.)

The three genin looked at the new arrival curiously (with even Sasuke showing "some" curiosity). "Uh… Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto finally asked after a moment, "Who's that chick?" He asked, pointing slackly at the new ninja, who huffed, obviously offended at being called a "chick", even if she _was _a girl. I don't blame her (A/N: wait, isn't that blaming myself?), honestly. I hate being called a "chick", but I digress.

"This 'chick', Naruto, is Marine." Kakashi explained, smiling (again… presumably). "She was interviewing me. That is why I was late. I was accompanying her as she interviewed various shinobi."

"I've gotten nothing thus far," Marine muttered angrily, showing a blank notepad with a flip-up cover. "All of the ninja I've interviewed haven't been … exciting enough. And _damn_ is that saying something when you interview _ninja_."

Kakashi sighed, "Sad, too. She was looking to make two of the shinobi she met into stars."

That perked Sakura and Naruto's interest. The thought running through both of their minds were "_All right!! I can finally show _them _up and prove I'm better to win my love's heart!!_' Tch. And they say they don't think alike.

"Don't make it sound better than it is…" The black-haired girl scolded the jounin, "I just need information for a report." Marine corrected, sighing. "All the jounin that Kakashi introduced me to were dull and boring… Again, that's saying something if they're a ninja."

Naruto lit up, grinning, "Well, dattebayo, _we_ could be interviewed…"

"Hn, really now?" Marine asked, pulling out a pencil from her pants pocket. She looked semi-interested in the blonde boy. "Well, I guess you _do_ look the most interesting out of the group…" She looked him up and down carefully, and then tapped the pencil against her temple thoughtfully. "Are you colourblind by any chance?"

Sasuke, who had taken Naruto's compliment as a challenge (after all, he has to better at everything…), strode up a little closer to the new girl, trying not to make it look like he was wanting the attention instead (even though technically he _was_, however we won't tell him that!). She glanced over and noticed he had moved nearer, and looked him up and down as well in a contemplative manner. Sakura puffed out slightly, twitching, thinking the girl was checking him out for another reason. She took a few steps forward, and then Marine's eye snapped over to Sakura at the movement. She examined her for a minute.

"I guess I could interview each of you," Came the response after a moment. "Do you know of any other shinobi that might be of interest?" Marine asked, looking over to Naruto. The blonde boy grinned,

"Plee-enty! Give me five minutes! Dattebayo!"

… … **SIX MINUTES LATER … … **(Naruto: Okay, okay, so I took 60 seconds longer! Sue me, dattebayo. Sasuke: -starts the paperwork-)

Naruto had rounded up all the shinobi he knew (well, that he cared about at the moment … such as the rest of the rookie 9, Gaara's team who had been visiting and got un-willingly dragged into it, and Neji's team … … and … somehow the … Akatsuki members?) and then all of the group had gathered in the un-used chuunin exam arena, for no good reason. All of the ninja that weren't rogue were keeping away from those that were, and everyone was on their guard. Sakura, upon spotting the Akatsuki (and Sasori mocking her by waving, smirking, just showing off that "hey! I'm alive by a loophole!" which pissed her off even more), stormed over to the cause of the problem.

"_Naruto!_ What the _hell_ are _they_ doing here!?" Sakura snapped in an angry whisper, tugging on Naruto's ear violently. Naruto whined and muttered,

"But Sakura-chan! They're being _perfectly behaved_ basically," Naruto defended, "I saw them and I just figured that …" '_Maybe they'd kill everyone off and I'd be the only one left and be totally _awesome_!'_ went unsaid.

The Akatsuki members were just off by themselves in the corner of the arena, somehow next to a conveniently placed coffee machine and water cooler, hanging about it and talking idly. Every now and then there was a shout of something random and then they'd all start laughing, causing quite a sight indeed.

"They aren't causing any harm…" Naruto eased. Sakura scoffed, but what she was about to say was cut off by a certain raven-haired boy,

"Yet." Sasuke muttered angrily, scowling. He was in the same room as his brother who was not allowed to kill at that moment— of course he was in an even bitterer mood than before.

Naruto looked around skeptically, "… Is anyone besides me hearing voices from nowhere?!"

"I told you to stop taking Kakashi-sensei's glaucoma medicine," Sasuke mumbled and walked off to go be emo in the furthest corner away from Itachi he could find.

Marine spotted the Akatsuki members, and waved to Deidara when he looked over. Deidara noticed the girl, recognized her faintly (but he couldn't remember where for the life of him), grinned and waved back. Marine nodded in his direction, sparring a small smile of her own, before turning to Naruto,

"So. Uzumaki Naruto, was it?" She asked, clipboard in hand. The blonde nodded and grinned. "All right. You're my first interviewee. Follow me."

The black-haired chica led Naruto into a small room through the hallway, which Naruto quickly recognized as the hallway he and Shikamaru had traveled down once at the Chuunin exams (and effectively bumped into Gaara, who was clinically insane at that time period) and shuddered gently at the memories. He was led into an empty room (which had brooms and other various cleaning utensils varied about it— as well as a few blood spots here and there and a dead body in the closest) where there were two chairs in the middle.

"Sit," Marine commanded and sat down in one of the chairs. Naruto looked at the chair he was to sit in, and noticed it looked as if it was going to break at the slightest touch. Either way, he sat down like the good dog he was and the chair made a creak of protest. The Kyuubi squirmed nervously in his seat. "All right, so, I'm gonna ask you a few questions. They're pretty straightforward, with little thinking required— more than likely that's your style. Stop fidgeting, the chair will not break on you." Naruto stopped immediately. "Now, first off, who's all your team?"

"Oh, easy!" Naruto grinned, "First, there's the _lovely_ Haruno Sakura… She's the best, dattebayo! She's smart, pretty, and she's so—"

"I asked who was on your team. Nothing more. Give me descriptions of the posse later."

" … Sorry. And then there's _Uchiha Sasuke_…" Came the grumble of obvious spite.

Marine nodded and scribbled down something on her clipboard: _Uzumaki Naruto— Blockhead; Sakura Haruno— Whore; Sasuke Uchiha— Pretty boy whore_. Was written down as the girl looked bored already. "Right. _Now _give me your opinions on them. Spare me too much detail please."

"Well… Sakura's pretty, and smart, and kind—"

_Liar_ was written down next to Naruto's name.

"—And she's also really strong! You should see her in action! Dattebayo!" Naruto drawled, blushing as he grinned widely. "But she likes _Sasuke_." Naruto groaned. "It's not fair! Sasuke's such a show-off and he always gets in _my _way—"

_Over-confident _was written down.

"—And even worse is he _always shows me up_! It's not FAIR! It makes me so mad! Dattebayo!"

_Childish_ and _says "dattebayo" too much— may be a sign of mental issues _was written down.

Marine glanced up from her notes on the blonde— which was the true purpose of the question, "That it?"

"… Yeah I guess so," Naruto muttered softly. Marine just nodded and jotted down one more note. A small line was put through the blonde's name. Obviously she had ruled him out for getting re-castment (it's a word) (however he did not know that, for he had conveniently forgot, just as Sasuke had done) for her fan-fiction aid.

"Thanks, that's all I need," Marine muttered as well, standing up and brushing her legs off idly.

"Huh? Really? No … questions about me or anything?" Naruto asked with confusion as he started to stand up as well. Marine paused for a moment, wrote down the word _conceited _next to his name and glanced back up with her dull, pupil-less gray eyes.

"No, that's all I needed. Thank you for your time." Marine pushed him out of the room, and then screamed down the hallway, "All right! NEXT IN LINE! Uchiha SASUKE!"

A few moments a black-haired male came to the door, looking blank in the face, but upon looking into his eyes Marine could tell he was _furious_. "…"

"Uh… all right. Let's start the interview…" Marine said cautiously, as if one wrong move might make the boy blow up. She didn't want that … as much as she hated the boy already from the little she knew of him, she _really_ didn't want to do the paper. The papers for spontaneous combustion are _atrocious_.

"Yeah, whatever…" Sasuke grumbled and sat down in the chair, arms crossed.

… … **25 minutes later **… …

_Notes: _

_Uzumaki Naruto__… — Blockhead. Liar. Over-confident. Childish. Says "dattebayo" too much— may be a sign of mental issues. Conceited.  
__  
__Uchiha Sasuke__… —Pretty boy whore. Self-centered. Emo. Competitive. Obsessive. An… Avenger? Has issues concerning older brother and is intent on killing him._

_Haruno Sakura__… —Whore. Decent medical skills. Schizophrenic or multiple personality syndrome. Obsessive. Has "Teenage Girl Syndrome", for sure. Too pink…_

_Hatake Kakashi__… — Pervert. Pedophile. Definitely out._

…

_Rock Lee__… — Contractions do not exist within his vocabulary. Looks like a miniature of Maito Gai. Determined, but kind. Reminds me of a hippie. Back-up plan…_

_X TenTen… — Good with weapons. Confident, but not too. Strong-willed. Reminds me of MingMing of Bakuten Shoot Beyblade, though. Considered nevertheless._

_Hyuuga Neji__… — Ditched me and knows it. Self-centered. Acts like a walking crystal ball. Obnoxious and has a weird voice pattern. Repeats self._

…

_X Hyuuga Hinata… — Couldn't hear a word she said. Much too shy, but nice. Considered nevertheless._

_Inuzuka Kiba w/ Akamaru__ … — A humanoid dog. Over-confident. Cocky. Enough said. He's out._

_X Aburame Shino… — Quiet and mysterious, but nice. A good kind of "creepy air" to him. Much more mature than other candidates thus far. Cool shades. Considered._

…

_Yamanaka Ino__… — Blonde version of Sakura, only much more anorexic. Not a good head on her shoulders. Actually, worse than Sakura. Likes Sasuke… too much._

_Akimichi Chouji__… — Eats. A lot. Easily distracted with food … but nice enough. Probably would forget job, however. Back-up plan._

_Nara Shikamaru__… — Ditched me and knows it. He left the interview to "go sleep" and I asked him not even a single question. He's out. He'd never show up even if I did hire 'em._

…

_Kankuro__… — Looks like a transvestite… … A messed up one. Perverted. Wears too much make-up. Plays with dolls._

_X Sabuko no Gaara… — Kazekage from Suna. Has tattoo of the symbol "love" on forehead— unsure of _true _meaning of the kanji… Ex-jinchuuriki of the Nibi/Shukaku. Good leader. Odd, but … _sort of _nice… Considered, nevertheless._

_Temari__… — Bossy and adamant. Sort of intelligent. A little … insane? Hair reminds me of a tulip garden. She seems to compensate for something with a large fan …_

_END NOTES._

_  
_Marine groaned and ran her hand through her bangs with irritation. She was getting nowhere fast. So far, she had only considered 4 people. While that was good (she _did_ only need 2… 3 at the most), she was hoping to be able to chose from more candidates that just 4 (though that would make eliminating easier… but she worried what would happen if she eliminated Gaara, whether the others claimed he was "changed" or not). However, she still had the Akatsuki members to go through. '_This'll be interesting._' She thought bitterly as she waited.

A blonde walked into the room first, his Akatsuki cloak waving behind him gently—none other than Deidara.

"Hm. Deidara, is it? Hello…" Marine nodded to the new candidate. "Sit, please."

The rogue nodded and sat down in a comfortable position (which was hard) on the hard-backed wooden chair. He looked at the black-haired girl blankly but somehow curiously, "Have I seen you before, un?"

"Yes." Marine replied distantly, flipping through her pages of clipboard notes before finding the Akatsuki's page. "Just outside, about a half-an-hour ago."

Obviously that wasn't the answer Deidara was looking for, but nevertheless the Iwagakure rogue just shrugged it off. "Un. Whatever you say. So, you have questions? Shoot, un."

The phrase _says "un" too much_ was the first thing written next to Deidara's name. Marine glanced up with her one-showing eye and looked the boy over carefully, "So, first things first. Your partner… Akasuna no Sasori, correct?"

"Yeah, un," Deidara replied, nodding. "Sasori-danna."

"You highly respect him?" Marine asked, taking note of the "-danna" tag (A/N: FYI, "danna" means "master").

"Gets on my nerves and on my tail about a lot of stuff…" Deidara replied distantly, staring at the ceiling, "He thinks he knows more about art than I do, and he's always playing with those stupid, grotesque dolls of his, yeah." He looked back to the girl absentmindedly, "We really contrast in our views on art… but he's like an older brother to me, I guess, un. Looks out for me. Yeah. I suppose I need it?"

"You certainly seem like the type," was the reply, which got one of Deidara's veins to pulse slightly in his temple. "So, tell me about the other members of the Akatsuki. You don't have the list them all, if you choose not to— just a few."

"Hn," Deidara grunted, "Well, first you have our leader … Peine. He's an ass. He's always telling us what to do and how to do it. I mean, un, I know he's technically the _leader _and all but… Un, I just don't like him. He did force me to join the Akatsuki, anyway, yeah."

"I see."

"Yeah," Deidara nodded, "Then you have Leader-sama's partner … Konan. She's the only girl in the Akatsuki, un."

Marine jotted down a few notes on Peine (i.e.: _not very well liked by comrade _and _forceful?_) and then glanced back up to Deidara, "So, do you feel she's up to Akatsuki standards?"

"Honestly I think it's just because she's doing the leader."

There was a long silence before Marine muttered "oooookay then" and the word _whore_ was written down next to Konan's name. There was a brief silence, which caused Marine to look up at the silent blonde, "Aren't there more Akatsuki members than that?"

"Yeah, there's plenty more, un," Deidara replied, nodding. "There's also Hidan."

"Hmm," Marine jotted down his name. "And who would that one be?"

"He's the religious one, un. The one with the gelled back hair—"

Marine cut him off, "Is he the one who looks like a biker boy?"

"Yeah, un! That's him!" Deidara agreed, nodding and smiling. "Biker boy, un … never thought of it that way before. Very true, un!"

Marine just nodded idly. She stopped listening to him after he seemed to be talking to himself. She glanced up with a look that asked if he was going to continue. Deidara sweatdropped, then seemed to think.

"Then you have Kisame," Deidara started, nodding idly, leaning back in his chair so it was on two legs.

"Kisame?" The girl mimicked lazily, jotting down "Kisame" in her notepad.

"The big blue guy. The one with the big tampon on his back."

"Oh."

Deidara casually looked up to the ceiling, "He looks like a big tough guy, but he's not really _that_ mean … Sure, I mean, un, I'll find an injured bird outside and a few minutes later I'll go and check on it and find it half-eaten by him, but …" The blonde stopped talking at the horrified look on Marine's face. He sweatdropped, smiling lightly, "He's not the cannibal, really, un. That's Zetsu."

Marine shifted nervously in her seat, "O … kay…" She jotted a few comments on Kisame (such as: _possible cannibal?? _and _eats birds_) and on Zetsu (like: actually_ a cannibal_). "So … anything else about him?"

"He actually has a problem with his skin colour," Deidara nodded a few times, his arms crossed. "Yeah. He has a major problem with it, un."

"Interesting," Marine muttered absentmindedly as she wrote _problem with colour of skin_ next to Kisame's name.

Deidara leaned back in his chair, "And then you have Shark-man's partner … Itachi Uchiha. I won't say much on him, un, just because I'm getting tired of talking, but I _really_ don't like him!" He clarified, pouting, "I actually hate him so much that I created this—" The blonde lifted his long fringe to show off a robotic-looking device that was situated where an eye once was, "—to counteract the Sharingon he possesses, un!"

"That's something else," Marine nodded, examining his eye with interest, "But it's cool. I have a robotic eye myself, though it doesn't counteract anything."

"Rock on," Deidara said idly. "Anymore questions, un?"

Marine glanced down at the notes she took, flipped a page back to look at what she had written about the Rookies and co., and then shook her head. "No, that will be all. Thanks."

"All right, un, no problem," Deidara got up, "You do you want next, un? I'll tell them to come."

She didn't even glance up at the blonde, "Send in anyone, I don't care," she muttered, jotting things down on her clipboard. Deidara shrugged and stuffed his hands into his newly added cloak pockets (because, you know, those things _really _need pockets, no joke), walking out of the room. A few moments later, there was shouting and screaming, which caused the black-haired girl to look up and behind herself with confusion. There was another crash, some more screaming and "DON'T THROW THAT AT HIM" before a shadowed over male with only his eyes being visible in the least entered the room, rubbing his temple, and shutting the door noisily behind himself. Marine looked him up and down, with a raised eyebrow, and then turned back forward, "Uh, hello …"

"Eh," The male grumbled something inaudible and made his way to the chair, sitting down irritably.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Okaaay, well, thanks for coming," Marine jotted down something quickly, then glanced up to him. The shadowed man scoffed,

"That's no way to treat the leader of the Akatsuki," He snapped bitterly. "I really don't feel like killing you, just because this is a _very_ easy place to get arrested."

"You're a walking shadow. I'm sorry that I find that bizarre," Marine muttered, seemly unaffected by the hollow threat of the shadow. The leader twitched,

"It's a disguise!"

"It's a walking shadow."

"ARGH!! FINE, FINE, _FINE_!!" The leader did some weird motion with his hand, grabbed his cloak (presumably) at the shoulder (presumably), and tossed it off like a super hero (wait…) or a super villain's evil (no, I thought the super villain was _good_! Damn was _I _off! –end sarcasm-) disguise. The shadow fell to the floor limply and lied beside him, discarded. Suddenly all the features were noticeable and lit up, from the bright orange hair to the 15 piercings that decorated his face. His eyes had a dull orange glow to them, with rings lightly boarding the inside of his eyes. He still wore a large black coat adorned with the Akatsuki clouds, and his black headband reflected he once belonged to Amegakure. "THERE!! HAPPY NOW YOU STUPID PATHETIC HUMAN!?" He shook his fist at her angrily, vein pulsing. Marine didn't bother to mention he was a "stupid pathetic human" as well.

She just closed her eyes boredly and lowered her head to her clipboard, "Yeah, sure. So … if you're the Akatsuki leader, that makes you … Peine, right?"

The man stared, dumb-founded for a moment, before snapping out of it and glaring, "How did you know my name!? What are you?! Some sort of _spy_!? Listen, I don't care what they told you, I _did not _have anything to do with operation codename squirrel in pool!!"

"… Operation _what_?"

"I said nothing. You heard nothing."

"Anyways… I am not a spy in any form. Obviously you didn't pay attention. I simply interviewed one of your comrades," She replied, unaffected.

"No, no you did not!" Peine snapped at her. This response caused Marine to look up,

"Pardon?"

"I said 'no you did not'! They are _not_ comrades, they are _minions_! MINIONS _DAMMIT_!!" Peine clarified, pouting and sitting down in his chair like a child. Marine stared at him, blinking, before muttering "alllllrighty then" and jotting down the word _childish_ next to Peine's name.

She looked up at the orange-haired young male and met him straight in the eyes, "So, mind if I ask you some questions?"

"Yes, I do." Peine replied without hesitation, his arms crossed tightly across his chest.

Marine looked startled. She blinked a few times, confused. She realized the man was adamant and cocky, but she didn't honestly think he would reply like that specifically. She sighed, "Fine, then get out. I have no more to say to you," She jotted down a few notes on Peine and then let her arm motion to the door.

It was Peine's turn to look startled, "Hunh?"

"I said get out. If you don't want to answer any questions, get out. I don't feel like dealing with you," She replied boredly. Peine looked like he had been slapped across the face. Not even his minions, who were only a few years at the most younger than him, back talked him, and here was this girl younger than them _talking back to him_! He growled and glared at her. Leaving was just what she wanted.

'_Ah-ha! If she wants me to leave, then staying will _piss her off! _It's perfect!_' "Ah, I changed my mind," Peine started, smiling (wow what an image). Marine looked at him like he just said that the sky was green and the grass was purple (A/N: Itachi: It's red in mine … - Marine: Itachi, get out of my Author's Note. Now.).

"What was that?" Marine asked, blinking with confusion.

"I said … I changed my mind," Peine re-stated, sitting down in a formal, back straight, hands-on-lap position. Marine just blinked a few more times before snapping out of it, and looking down at the clipboard,

"Whatever you say. So," She jotted down a note on Peine (_extremely indecisive _and _a walking shadow?_) and then didn't even bother looking up. "Your com— minions." She corrected. "What do you think of them?"

Peine went through a whole explanation, drama and all, and ended up taking 25 minutes… talking about one person.

"And, you know, she really is a good ninja, even though no one else thinks so," The orange haired man waved his hand idly in a circular motion. "I personally think—"

"All RIGHT," Marine cut him off, rubbing her temple, not really wanting to hear the rest. "Listen, not like Konan isn't _amazing_ or anything, but PLEASE talk about someone ELSE or get OUT." She was obviously losing her patience, and probably by the end of these interviewing processes, her _mind_. By the time Peine had left the interview room (forcibly and with much kicking and screaming), Marine had tossed her notes and was looking ready to pull out her hair. She couldn't stand anymore interviews, even though she had gone through all of two Akatsuki members.

"Oi," Naruto had walked into the room, after hearing all the fuss (and soon enough, seeing it— however Peine was soon tranquilized "accidentally" by Kakashi, who looked like he had been taking his glaucoma medicine), "Daijoubu, Marine-chan?" (A/N: "Daijoubu?" means "all you all right?", FYI)

"SHOOT ME." She ground out, placing her hands on the wall and bashing her head into it once. Hard. Naruto flinched slightly, recoiling a little. The trickle of blood running down the fox-girl's forehead must have been some indication that it hurt. The crack in the wall might have been one, too, but Naruto chose to conveniently ignore that.

"So, choose anyone for that thingy you were doing?"

"Aggghhhh don't remind me…"

The blood was now forming a small pool on the floor and a bright red line running down the wall.

Naruto felt it was in his best interest to leave.

And possibly call an ambulance.

Or Tsunade.

Probably Tsunade because ambulances don't exist in their world.

"WHY MUST I HEAR THESE VOICES FROM NOWHERE!? WHAT DID I EVER DO YOU TO YA STUPID CEILING!! … … … AND WHAT THE HELL IS AN _ANBULANCE_!?"

… … **A few minutes later **… …

Marine was bandaged up, looked like she was in a foul mood, and had thrown her clipboard at Sasuke and successfully started 4 fights. With one person. I can tell she's had a long day … Anyways, it was now time to reveal the new introduce… ers of the _Rules of Naruto_.

"All right," The black-haired girl growled at all the ninja lined up against the wall. Some of them were leaning over to each other and muttering "are we playing dodge ball?" and the person they talked to replied with "what's dodge ball?" Some of them were staring at Naruto as he ranted to Kakashi on how he heard "voices from the sky that told him of a wondrous thing called an 'anbulance' that ferried people to a large place with many woman", and successfully got Kakashi wandering away from Konoha in search of this "mysterious object". Anyways, basically they were all confused, and Marine cleared her throat to get their attention. "So, I interviewed all— … well, _most _of you, and I have come to a decision." She glanced to her tattered and scratched up board (it was now barely recognizable as a clipboard, really, and … it seemed to be now just simply a piece of cardboard) and flipped a page up.

"So who's gonna be a star, dattebayo?" Naruto asked curiously. Sasuke just looked at him and muttered "definitely not _you_" which caused a whole "I HATE YOU!!" shapheal that was effectively ignored and then silenced by Marine glaring heatedly at the blonde.

"Anyways… The three new ninja that will be assisting me in various projects will be…" She checked the paper again quickly, before flicking her eyes back up the anxious (or bored of out their mind) shinobi. "Aburame Shino!" The bug boy seemingly glanced over to her, and nodded lightly. She nodded back, then took her gaze elsewhere, "Hyuuga Hinata!" The shy girl looked shocked, and then fiddled with her coat, blushing and smiling nervously. "And finally … somehow … Peine of the Akatsuki."

Sasori looked shocked, "Seriously?" He asked, now looking confused. He had the said man currently slung over his shoulders, knocked out still from the tranquilizers used on him.

"Unfortunately, he seemed the … most interesting, even though he … may be clinically insane," Marine replied, throwing her clipboard behind herself. Sasori muttered an agreement, and then Marine spoke again, "Back-ups of these three will be TenTen and Sabuko No Gaara. And … the back-up of the back-ups is Rock Lee. So. Congratulations, and I hope you enjoy your job. Now leave me alone." She started to walk off.

It took the chosen ninja to realize something sort of important…

"She … never bothered to tell us where to go," Shino muttered, raising an eyebrow. Hinata just nodded, flustered at the shock of being chosen, and Peine said nothing because he was still tranq-ed out of his mind.

Lo and behold, here were the new introducers. Oh. Dear. God.

And if you're wondering how Marine narrowed it down …

She actually drew names out of a hat :)

Ah, hats.

We love you so.

Until you give us hat hair.

"SAKURA-CHAAANNNN I HEAR THE VOICES AGAIN AND THIS TIME THEY'RE TELLING ME THAT I HAVE HAT HAIR!! I DON'T EVEN _WEAR _A HAT!!"

* * *

M-D13: And there you have it. So, everyone, let's make Shino, Hinata, and Peine feel welcome.

Shino: …

Hinata: -blushing- … Uh, uh, t-t-thank you f-for ch-choosing me…

M-D13: No problem, kiddo… Hey, wait, where's Peine?

Sasori: -comes in with Peine slumped over his shoulder- Where should I put it?

M-D13: Ahh, just leave it in the corner. I'll get to it later.

Peine: -thrown into corner carelessly-

M-D13: Right! Anyways! I'll have the next set of rules (FIVE-HUNDRED FUCKING RULES! YES!!) up soon enough because I already have them done. So, I hope you look forward to it! THANKS FOR READING!!

**R&R**


	6. Rules 401 through 500

— **THE BIG 1/2 K CELEBRATION —**

M-D13: Oh my god oh my god oh my god! oo! I can't believe it! I hit _FIVE-HUNDRED_! Actually, it might be over by one or two or so, BUT I HIT IT AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED!! YES, YES, YES!!

Hinata: G-g-g-good f-for you, M-Marine-c-chan … -shy smile-

M-D13: Nyaahh, thanks Hina… Anyways! Just incase you skipped over the previous chapter (which was an actual storyline, FYI), I'd like to introduce my new workers! Hinata, Shino, and a tranq-ed out of his mind Peine!

Peine: HEHEHEHEHE I'M A PRETTY ORANGE PRINCESS!! –runs around dancing-

Shino: -stares- … … I believe that Kakashi-sensei used a few too many tranquilizers on him…

M-D13: Only by a few –stares at the more than likely doped Peine- … Think he'll be all right?

Shino: He may be. Or he may not be. It depends on whether he used elephant ones or not.

M-D13: And if he did?

Shino: He may end up being mentally 5 for a couple years.

M-D13: … … Well, that's a waiting lawsuit. –sigh- Anyways … Hinata, disclaimer if you would.

Hinata: S-Sure… **D-D-DISCLAIMER: M-Marine-s-san doesn't o-own a-any t-thing m-m-mentioned in t-this f-fanfiction/r-rules, and d-d-doesn't even own s-s-s-some of the r-r-rules a-a-and she'd l-l-like to thank her f-f-friends for th-the help…**

M-D13: … Extremely stutter-ish, but good Hinata. Thank you! Oh, and I've meant to do this (and haven't) since chapter two or so, but if there's any certain rules you find really funny, _tell me in your review_! I'd loved to know what ones you thought were the best! And, while we're on that ...

**Any rules you do not understand, ask. I will be glad to clarifiy them for you! **

Now! With that all said (that's not even my job anymore ... Should be theirs! -points to Shino, Hinata and Peine ... then thinks twice- Or at least just the first twO!), on with the rules!

* * *

• Singing "_Peine!_ Without love! _Peine! _Can't get enough! _Peine! _Like it rough, cause I'd rather feel _Peine_ than nothing at all…!" etc. is not a smart idea. While Peine will probably kill you, Konan is likely to as well.

• Stuffing watermelons in your shirt and tying your hair back in two ponytails (if possible) and walking around saying you're Tsunade is not funny. For one thing, you might get killed by the Hokage herself.

• No, Kisame is _not _choking. He does not need mouth-to-mouth or CPR (which is technically the same thing). His skin is just naturally that colour. Really.

• Itachi did not use an 8-ball to decide the fate of his clan, or any other of his actions previous to or following the murder of the Uchiha clan.

• Making Kisame take the "I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine…" etc, oath is not a good idea. For one thing, he won't take it... Plus he is _not _a nice shark.

• Deidara and Ino are not inverses of each other. Deidara did not copy Ino's hair style (for one thing: they've never even met, and another thing is Deidara's older than her… she would've copied him). The two are related in no way at all.

• Marketing voodoo dolls of the Naruto characters throughout Konoha, Suna, etc., is not a smart idea… especially if you market an Itachi doll and sell it in Konoha… Sasuke will buy you out, most likely.

• Calling Sasuke "Sas-_gay_" is only funny until he, and the rest of his fan girl mafia, kill you.

• … nor is calling him "Sas-_uke_" a good idea, either. He'll claim _he's_ on top. That will then bring up the subject, however, of "who's he on top of then??"

• Paying Kakuzu to kill someone for you, while reliable, might just make you end up without a penny (or whatever type of small, basically worthless currency you have) to your name.

• Calling Itachi "Chi-chan" is barely funny the first time. More than likely, if you call him "Chi-chan" more than once, you're talented, because most likely he'll kill you the first time you say it.

• I will not use sandpaper on Sasori and sand him down to make his "skin" smooth.

• … nor will I ask him if he ever gets splinters.

• I will not cut off Deidara's ponytail.

• … or try to glue it back in place if I do.

• I will not break any of the above or following rules just to see the reactions of the characters... Even thought I really want to.

• Sasuke is not a toaster. He will not cook your food or your toast; we're sorry to disappoint you.

• … nor is he an oven or a stove. Again, sorry to disappoint you.

• Stealing Hidan's Jashin pendant will result in you being sacrificed to said evil god by said evil person.

• I will not call Deidara or Sasori (or Sai for that matter) a "rip-off artist", kick them in the shin and then run for my life.

• … nor will I kick Jiraiya in the shin and scream "PEDOPHILE" and then run off.

• Tobi is _not _"otherwise known as" "The Great Pumpkin". We swear.

• … nor is he secretly Darth Vader.

• Do not call TenTen "NineNine", "ElevenEleven", or any other number that is said twice.

• Do _not_ experiment with Sasori's flammability by taking his arms (which will piss him off in the first place) and rubbing them together rapidly to see if he catches fire.

• Attempting to read Make-Out Paradise and/or Make-Out Tactics (or Make-Out Violence…) on your own accord (or stealing it from Kakashi— which ever works for you) is likely to result in mind scarring. We highly recommend not reading it.

• Repeating everything that one of the shinobi says is not only annoying to them and time-consuming for you (as well as childish), but is likely to result in your death.

• I will not "speak in code" to any of the ninja.

• "Chat speak" is not accepted within any country or village and more than likely will result in your valley-girl/boy death. (LOL, JK!! … Okay, we know, not funny)

• I will not introduce the technology of "guns and ammunition" to the Naruto realm. Not only is likely to result in the death of many shinobi, you will probably get (accidentally?) caught in the crossfire.

• Do not tie Kakashi to a large stick in the middle of a rice field (or field or your choice) and stuff straw in his clothing. He is _not _an actual scarecrow.

• I will not attempt to cut the stitches on Kakuzu's face or on Deidara's arms just to see what will happen.

• I will not ask Peine if his peircings ever got infected when he first got them.

• Do not walk up to TenTen and ask her why she isn't wearing the Omnitrix (I think that's how you spell it ... if not, someone correct me). She'll be so confused it's not even funny (well, after the first five minutes, anyway).

• … nor should you walk up to her and start singing a modified version of the "Ben Ten" theme song. (Ex: "_Now she's got super powers, she's no ordinary kid! TENTEN!_")

• Contrary to popular belief, Gai (and Lee) does not go commando in public. (… Actually, we're still un-sure about this one.)

• Getting a chidori to the chest (or other body part) is not something that is easily shrugged off.

• … nor is a rasengan to the chest (or other body part).

• I will not walk around with a CD player constantly playing and say that it's my "theme song" or my "mood music".

• While the Akatsuki may wear nail polish, none of them are _openly_ gay and are _not_ gay until Masashi Kishimoto says so.

• The Akatsuki cloak is not a dress.

• Putting Sasuke on the side of a milk carton that says "MISSING NINJA" is not a very productive method of finding him.

• … and there will be no puns about "When did we lose him in the first place?"

• The rope around any sound ninjas' waist is not used as a noose.

• … or a lasso.

• I will not make fun of Shikamaru's "not too pretty but not too ugly" women standards.

• I will not crush Ino's hopes of getting Shikamaru by saying she's "too pretty" for him.

• … nor I will not crush Temari's hopes of getting Shikamaru by saying she's "too ugly" for him.

• Do not pretend you do not know the difference between Ino and Deidara.

• Do not pretend you do not know the difference between Ino and TonTon.

• Zetsu is not that piranha plant off the Mario games. He does not live in warp pipes.

• Sasuke's hair is not a live black-ish-raven-coloured cockatoo. Really.

• Just because Sasuke's hair looks like some sort of bird's ass (or head in the case of the cockatoo) does not mean it's a challenge to see if you can shoot him in the head (Y'know… bird hunting? Hahaha? ... Oh come on.)

• One does not ask Gaara how he "ninjas" with that huge gourd on his back and expect to not walk away with a big bump on the head.

• I will not hire any Uchiha or other fire-elemented or capable shinobi to use their fire jutsu while Gaara is in his ball of sand to see if it will turn into glass.

• … and if it does (more than likely it will) I will not roll the ball around and play with it.

• Do not go into the Forest of Death looking for any Kodama's. They won't be in there.

• … nor should you look for the Forest Spirit. He won't be there either.

• Asking the ninjas "would you rather…" questions is likely to result in the scarring of the mind when they answer truthfully.

• Gaara's gourd is not a giant, opaque bottle. There is sand inside, not a message.

• Stealing Gaara's gourd to set it afloat in the ocean (after, of course, putting a message in it and emptying out all the sand) has never been a good idea from the start.

• I will not tell Kiba that I think he might have an identity crisis.

• While many of the ninja need it, do not go around asking the ninjas if they want free therapy sessions. You'll get arrested, most likely.

• Do not tell Kabuto that's he's been replaced by Sasuke as "Orochimaru's Bitch". You'll send him into a spiraling depression and make him cry.

• … nor should you laugh at him and say "Haha! Orochimaru doesn't want you to host his body because you SUCK!!" That will _also _send him into a spiraling depression and make him cry.

• None of the ninjas can "Super Sayian" themselves. That's a different anime (if I spelled "sayian" wrong, don't yell D: I don't watch the show)

• Sasuke is "more special" than Naruto… at least in his opinion. (That episode was just too funny.)

• Naruto never starred in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, even though that wound he got from Kabuto was "just a flesh a wound!" (HA, I loved that episode too!)

• Staging a fight between Iruka and Kisame to see if Iruka will beat him up is not a smart idea

• … nor is selling tickets for said event.

• I will not throw anything at any of the ninjas' heads.

• I will especially not throw _kunai_ at any of the ninjas' heads.

• Sabuko no Gaara is dub-wised known as "Gaara of the Desert". Do _not_ call him "Gaara of the Dessert" and expect to live… because you won't.

• Kakuzu is not related to Jack Skeleton from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

• … nor is he _secretly _Jack Skeleton either.

• Chouji is _not_ the Pillsbury Dough-Boy. Do _not_ poke him in the stomach, he will not giggle.

• Gaara may be the "sandman", but is not _the _sandman. He does not put people to sleep with his sand. Actually, he probably pokes their eyes out.

• Tobi is not a scuba diver, as much as his blackbody suit underneath his cloak may suggest.

• Deidara does not make his hands make-out with each other.

• Itachi's necklace is _not_ made of soda-can tabs. We swear.

• None of the ninja are DDR masters, no matter how much it looks like they dance when attacked repeatedly.

• When Shikamaru says "What a drag" he does _not_ mean that he just had a really good smoke.

• The Monkey King Enma is _not _secretly Jiraiya, no matter how similar they look.

• Tayuya's hat is _not_ secretly a "happy helmet", so do not go behind her and look for the switch.

• Do not steal Sakon or Ukon's lipstick. You'll make the transvestites cry.

• I will not steal any of the ANBU's masks.

• Do _not_ go up to Deidara singing "Dei_dora_, Dei_dora_ the _explorer! _DEI_DORA_!" He's likely to kill you. _Slowly_ and _painfully_ …

• Hitting Hidan with a cross and screaming, "the power of Christ compels you" _does not_ compel him and will do absolutely nothing, other than probably write your death wish.

• I'm sure that at least most of us realize that Tsunade's necklace is shaped very … perverted-ish. However, there is no reason to tell said Hokage… or Naruto.

• Jiraiya is a millionaire (be it from the vast … popularity of his books … or by other means). If he asks you for money in the old "I'm a little short…" or to borrow money and he'll "pay you back", do not give it to him. Simple at that.

• … but if you do, you will never see that money again, I hope you know.

• Do not tease TenTen because she has no character depth. You'll make her cry and mope about her non-existent life.

• Do not tell Jiraiya that he needs a new hobby other than "stalking innocent and beautiful women". He won't listen to you.

• Do not tease Tsunade that she has entered the "age denial" state in her life. She'll start screaming at you and she may throw her chair at you.

• … nor should you tell her that you think she'll never win at gambling. That will cause a whole "I'll win one day. I'll show you. I'll hit it big. You'll see. You'll all see" incident that we would really like to avoid.

• Do not tease Lee because he is incapable of using contractions. You will make he cry and run off with his contraction-less life.

• Talking to the ninja insanely fast will make them think that you're on crack (or speed).

• I will not start a water balloon fight between any of the ninja.

• … nor will I start a snowball fight between any of the ninja because either of these may cause someone to get brutally injured by flying rocks or ice.

• Going up to Lee and talking to his eyebrows as if they were people or had a mind of their own will either A: make Lee think you're utterly insane and need to be sent to an asylum or B: get yourself killed.

• Abiding to these rules will most likely allow you to live in the Naruto Realm without death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. Choosing to ignore any of the above rules will most likely result in … well, death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. We strongly recommend you follow and abide to these rules and … well, just don't piss anyone off and you're good to go.

* * *

Peine: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

M-D13: … I hope he snaps out of that soon.

Shino: -filming this- I don't.

M-D13: ? ... Hey, you're filming this?? Why?

Shino: Blackmail.

M-D13: … Huh. Smart … Now, out-going response, please, blackmail boy!

Shino: … Sure. **All flames will be dealt with accordingly.** **Flame us, we'll ignore you.**

M-D13: Simple but to the point. That's why I hired you.

Shino: You pulled my name out of a hat.

M-D13: That too! :) Anyways! THANKS FOR READING!! Oh, and does anyone know what the hell that "abuse" button does?? ... Eh ... Anyways ...

R&R Please.


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